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  “I know that now, and I’m so sorry,” Pete says. “If I could take it all back, I would.”

  Nothing’s going to happen, Marcus. We’re not going to get caught. But even if we did, I still wouldn’t regret being with you. I’d give you anything, you know that. Look at how much I’m willing to risk for you. The least you could do is meet me halfway, just this once.

  “It’s not…it’s not your fault,” Marcus manages to choke out in a whisper. His fingers are trembling, numb at the tips. The pounding in his chest is a dull roar now, and his eyes refuse to focus. “I was—I believed him, and…stupid, I was so fucking stupid, you don’t…you don’t have to take the blame for that, it’s—ugh, I’m such a fucking idiot, and that’s not your fault—”

  “Marcus! Oh shit, are you having—”

  Marcus squeezes his eyes shut, wishing he was back in his apartment, alone in his room where it’s dark and quiet and there isn’t anyone staring at him like the freak that he is and he—

  “Come on, you can do this. Just like we used to, remember?”

  Fingers thread through his, squeezing gently.

  “Breathe in, breathe out, remember?”

  Breathing, that’s right. He’d forgotten to do that. Marcus lets out a breath that he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.

  “Okay good, let it all out. Now breathe in with me, one, two, three—”

  Marcus keeps his eyes shut as he inhales shakily.

  “Good, now let it out, one, two, three—”

  The air leaves his lungs at a slow, even pace. Marcus’ heart is still racing, but he’s feeling slightly calmer. He’ll be fine. He can do this.

  “Awesome, you’re doing great! Now just keep breathing and—”

  “What the fuck is this?”

  Marcus’ eyes fly open as he looks to his right. Sebastian is standing by their table with his fingers curled into fists and his eyebrows knit together.

  “Um, can we help you?” Pete asks tentatively.

  Sebastian ignores him as he continues to glare at Marcus. “So much for no dating, huh? The fuck do you call this hand-holding shit?”

  Well, fuck.

  Marcus closes his eyes and bows his head. He focuses on his breathing. Maybe if he can get himself calmed down enough, it’ll turn out that Sebastian isn’t really here. Just a bad hallucination or something. He tries to tune out the conversation around him, even as it gets steadily louder.

  “Look, I don’t know what you’re talking about, but—”

  “Who fucking asked you, anyway? This is between me and Marcus, so mind your damn business.”

  “Dude, I’m not trying to get involved, but—”

  “Then why don’t you beat it? Date’s over. Fuck off.”

  “What date?”

  “What do you mean, what date?”

  “I honestly don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”

  “Why am I not surprised? You don’t look like you know much of anything.”

  “Well I’m not the one screaming like a jackass at someone who’s clearly having a panic attack!”

  “I…what?”

  “What are you—what’s wrong with you? Look man, I don’t know what the deal is between you and Marcus, but can it fucking wait until he gets his shit together?”

  “I…I didn’t realize…”

  “No shit, you didn’t realize.”

  “Well, you could have fucking said something earlier!”

  “I could have—you know what, never mind, just get out of here. Please.”

  “Fine, I’m going. Simmer down. I’ll just…I’ll be outside. Waiting.”

  Marcus hears a sigh as Pete squeezes his hands one more time. “Marcus? That guy is gone. How are you feeling?”

  Marcus cracks one eye open. Pete stares at him intently with a worried frown. Marcus takes one last deep breath before he opens his eyes and manages a shaky smile as he lets go of Pete’s hands.

  “I’m…it’s better. Thanks.”

  “Are you sure?” Pete nods towards the door. “Who the hell was that guy? Do we need to call the cops or something?”

  “No.” Marcus shakes his head. “No I…it’s fine. He’s just…I owe him an explanation.”

  Pete’s brow furrows. “You don’t owe anyone an explanation. For anything.”

  “Fair,” Marcus says with a small smile. “I owe him a conversation, then.”

  Pete still looks concerned, so Marcus widens his smile and gives Pete’s forearm a pat. “I’m good, man. It’s fine. But I better go talk to him.”

  “Okay,” Pete says slowly. “But if you need me, call me.”

  “I will,” Marcus promises. “And the next time you’re in town, we should catch up. I’ve missed you.”

  Pete doesn’t reply, but when they get up to leave, he pulls Marcus into a tight hug. “I’ve missed you too, man. Stay in touch, okay?”

  “Will do,” Marcus says lightly. “Also, um…There’s a back door if you wanna miss the main entrance.”

  After he and Pete part ways, Marcus squares his shoulders and heads out of the restaurant. A scowling Sebastian is waiting for him, hands shoved into his pockets.

  “Hi.” Marcus is too tired for a more elaborate greeting.

  “Hi,” Sebastian says in a low voice. “Um…how are you doing?”

  “Tired,” Marcus answers honestly. “Look, I know we need to talk. I just…I can’t right now.”

  “Do you need anything?” Sebastian asks quickly, his scowl giving way to a concerned frown. “I could get you water, or call an Uber, or—”

  “I’m fine,” Marcus says. “I’ll walk home. Get some fresh air. We can talk tomorrow. I mean, if you want to.”

  “Of course I want to.” Sebastian’s scowl returns. “Text me when you’re free. I’ll make it work. Just promise me you won’t run off again.”

  “I won’t.” Marcus’ calm voice is at odds with the nervous energy that still vibrates through him. “I’ll text you. I promise.”

  As he heads towards the apartment, Marcus hopes that he’s telling the truth.

  Chapter 10

  Marcus isn’t sure what to expect when he meets up with Sebastian at their usual running spot. Maybe Sebastian will still be pissed at him, tell him to fuck off and leave him alone forever. Maybe he’ll be condescending, the way well-meaning people are when they realize Marcus isn’t normal. Maybe he’ll be wary, afraid of triggering Marcus into another attack. Maybe he’ll be disgusted by how weak Marcus is.

  Maybe Sebastian won’t bother to show up at all.

  Marcus isn’t sure if he’s relieved or dismayed when he spots Sebastian at their usual running meetup spot in the park. Sebastian is leaning against a tree with black running shorts slung low on his hips and a white Under Armour shirt stretched tightly across his chest. Instead of his usual water bottle, he’s holding two Starbucks Venti cups.

  Marcus smiles cautiously as he accepts one of the cups. He fiddles with the edge of the coffee sleeve with his eyes trained on the ground.

  Eventually, Sebastian clears his throat and punches Marcus lightly on the shoulder. “Well? You wanna sit somewhere, or do you wanna walk? Or would you rather just stand here like a couple of assholes?”

  Marcus rolls his eyes and relaxes slightly. “Let’s walk. Get some exercise in.”

  They walk silently for a while, side by side as they sip their drinks. Marcus wonders if maybe they can just finish their drinks and go on as if nothing’s happened, but of course Sebastian chooses that moment to sigh loudly and elbow Marcus in the ribs.

  “Are you going to tell me who the hell that blond dude was? Or why you were so upset, or why…are you ever going to tell me anything?”

  “Yeah,” Marcus says as he grips his coffee cup tighter. “Yeah, I guess so. That guy yesterday was just a friend from Boston. We were catching up, rehashing old shit, and I just…well, you saw how I got.”

  “I did,” Sebastian says slowly, “but I’d like to understand bet
ter. Was it a panic attack or something?”

  “Anxiety attack,” Marcus clarifies. “I have anxiety. And depression, and probably other stuff, but it’s not…I’m not a clear-cut case. Haven’t found any magical medication combo to fix it. It’s just been a lot of trial and error. Mostly error.”

  Sebastian shrugs. “Everyone’s got issues, man. You didn’t have to try to hide it.” A smirk flashes across his face. “Not that you were hiding it. You’re not as slick as you think.”

  Marcus can feel his face heating up. Sebastian laughs and gives Marcus’ shoulder a squeeze. “It’s fine! I’m just messing with you. Shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…Ajay told me not to be a dick, but I guess I’m fucking that up.”

  “That’s Ajay’s fault for giving you impossible advice,” Marcus says dryly.

  Sebastian snickers, but his lower lip is caught between his teeth and his eyebrows are knit together. “Um…Look, the thing is…I know I was an asshole. At practice when I said…you know. All that shit about you being a wuss. I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay,” Marcus says softly. He doesn’t say anything else as he struggles with what to say next, how to explain exactly how and why he’s such a fucking mess.

  After a few moments of silence, Sebastian elbows Marcus again with a scowl. “Yo. This is the part where you apologize, too. You were a fucking tool. Own up to it.”

  Marcus laughs as some of the tension in his shoulders drains away. “You’re right. I’m sorry, I…I wasn’t making the best choices, and I shouldn’t have…I didn’t mean to be a fucking tool, but I was. And I’m sorry.”

  “It’s fine,” Sebastian shrugs. “I’m over it. You were right, you and I aren’t together or anything. You don’t owe me any sort of explanation about who you spend your time with or why you aren’t interested in a relationship, and it was wrong of me to act otherwise, especially in a public setting.”

  Marcus raises one eyebrow. Sebastian sounds suspiciously as though he’s parroting back phrasing that someone else had hollered at him earlier. He’s also not able to completely hide the scowl that’s crept onto his face.

  “Wow, thanks Blair, I appreciate the sentiment,” Marcus says with a smirk. “You’re so mature and understanding.”

  “Fuck you!” Sebastian laughs. “I’m trying, okay? I know I don’t have the right to be pissed, but I was pissed anyway. Sorry I’m not as evolved as the rest of you shitheads. I’ll get over it.”

  “No,” Marcus says as he shakes his head, “you had reason to be pissed. It was a dick move, going out and…that was fucked up, and I’m sorry.”

  “It’s fine. Really,” Sebastian insists. His eyes are locked intently on Marcus as he hesitates for a moment before continuing. “So…are you going to tell me what happened yesterday? You don’t have to, I’m just asking.”

  “Yeah.” Marcus sighs heavily. He drains his drink and twists the empty cup in his hands. “So the thing is, you weren’t wrong. I did have a bad breakup. I was seeing this guy in Boston. He was older. And married. And, um, my professor.”

  “Holy shit,” Sebastian says with wide eyes. “What happened?”

  “We got caught,” Marcus says softly. “Well, I got caught. I was waiting for him in his office after hours, and my roommate had already reported our relationship so…”

  “Ha! So he got busted, huh?” Sebastian grins widely. “Good. That’s messed up, man. Old pervs creeping on students. I hope they fired his ass.”

  “Yeah, not exactly.” Marcus begins shredding the coffee sleeve. The pieces flutter to the ground alongside the dying leaves dusting the walkway. “He said it was all a lie. That we’d never been together and I was just obsessed with him. Stalking him.”

  “What the fuck?” Sebastian’s coffee cup is crushed in his fist. “What kind of sadistic piece of shit—don’t tell me they believed him?”

  “Obviously,” Marcus says with a shrug. The coffee sleeve is completely disintegrated by now. “He’s a tenured professor whose breakthroughs in social identity theory made him a psych legend. I’m just some average nobody who’s got a laundry list of mental health issues and a history of shitty decision-making.”

  “That doesn’t fucking matter!” Sebastian shouts. “Who fucking cares about your medical shit? Even more reason why he should have left you the fuck alone! So what, they let him stay? They didn’t kick his creepy ass to the curb?”

  “No,” Marcus says calmly, though his hands are shaking. “I was the one who got kicked to the curb, actually. Too much of a liability. They were nice about it, got me transferred here so I can finish my degree, which is useless now because academics are a bunch of petty ass-kissers who’ll never hire someone blackballed by one of their own.”

  “That’s not fair!” Sebastian throws his cup angrily into a trash can. “This is fucking discrimination and I won’t stand for it! We’ve gotta do something! File a suit against him, or bust his kneecaps, or—”

  “I know it’s not fair!” Marcus shouts. His own cup is gripped tightly in his hands as he glares at Sebastian. “I’m a mixed queer dude with mental health issues, so believe me, I have always been extremely fucking aware of how unfair the world is. So not, it’s not fair, but it’s how things are, okay? Things aren’t always…you can’t fix everything! What’s done is done, and I’ve just gotta deal with the fact that I’m getting a useless degree and my future is fucked and—”

  “Whoa,” Sebastian says softly. He rests his hands on Marcus’ shoulders and gives them a light squeeze. “Slow down. I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to undermine your feelings, or experiences, or anything like that. You’re right, the world is definitely fucked up, but you don’t know for sure that your future is, too. Who knows, this fucker might have crossed other people who’d jump at the chance to hire you and piss him off. Or he could get hit by a bus tomorrow and then you’re back in the game.”

  “Doubtful,” Marcus says glumly.

  Sebastian isn’t fazed. “Regardless. Your degree isn’t useless. Look, if you say you’re blackballed, fine. Fuck those losers. But just because you can’t do academia doesn’t mean your whole future is fucked. There’s plenty of other shit you can do even if…we’re not even done school yet! Who the hell knows where we’ll end up in two years, let alone ten? We’re not supposed to know, not yet.”

  Marcus doesn’t say anything as he meets Sebastian gaze. “Yeah, but—”

  “But nothing,” Sebastian insists. “You say what’s done is done? Then let it be done and move on. You don’t need him. Fuck him. You’ve got us now.”

  Marcus wants to object, but the intensity of Sebastian’s stare is making it hard to form coherent thoughts. “I guess, but…”

  Marcus gasps as Sebastian pulls him into a tight hug. “Shut up, Marcus,” Sebastian mutters into Marcus’ curls.

  Gingerly, Marcus wraps his arms around Sebastian and leans into the hug. He’s a little overwhelmed, honestly, but although his stomach is churning, he feels lighter than he has in months.

  Sebastian lets him go and throws an arm around his shoulders as they start walking. “You hungry? You wanna grab a slice or something?”

  “Sure,” Marcus says. “Sounds good.”

  Sebastian grins as they head towards the pizza parlor on Main Street. “I’m buying. Or Ajay is. I won twenty bucks off him last night.”

  “I’ll have two slices then,” Marcus says with a smile.

  * * * *

  Marcus sighs as he flings himself onto the hotel bed. It’s been a long ass day, he’s buzzed, and he’s ready for some rest. The football team has just won an away game, and in between marching and hauling his drum set across an unfamiliar campus, he’s had to watch Sebastian score two touchdowns and run 120 graceful yards in those unfairly tight uniform pants.

  He’d stopped by Ajay and Sebastian’s room for a few post-game drinks, but he’d needed to get away. Ever since he’d told Sebastian about him (and gotten somewhat back on track with his meds) Marcus has been feeling better abo
ut…everything.

  This isn’t altogether a good thing, however. Now that he and Sebastian are friends again, and Marcus’ issues are out in the open, it’s getting harder and harder to ignore his less-than-platonic feelings for Sebastian. The unwavering support and lack of judgement from his friends is disconcerting.

  And those damn pants sure aren’t helping matters.

  Before Marcus can motivate himself to get ready for bed, there’s a loud knock on his door. Marcus considers ignoring it, but the knocks grow more insistent.

  “Marcuuuus! I know you’re in there! Open up!”

  Marcus groans. It’s Sebastian. Of course. Who else would it be?

  “Coming.” Marcus drags himself from the bed and opens the door. Sebastian pushes past him without greeting and flops heavily onto the bed.

  “I’m exiled,” Sebastian mutters into the pillow. “Ajay and Blair are all up in each other’s business, and I’m not feeling a threesome right now.”

  Marcus carefully sits on the edge of the bed. “I guess you’re staying here, then?”

  “Was planning on it,” Sebastian mumbles, “unless you’re gonna toss me out. Make me bunk up with Coach.”

  “You might like that,” Marcus muses. “His beard’s pretty hot. Even if he’s a hundred.”

  “I’m not into beards.” Sebastian pushes himself up and slides closer to Marcus. “Are you?” He’s got a wicked grin on his face as he leans towards Marcus.

  “No,” Marcus says. He digs his fingers into the scratchy bedspread, but he doesn’t look away.

  “Good.” Sebastian swoops in and presses his lips against Marcus’. He pulls back and smirks at Marcus. “I mean, I’d grow one if you want, but it’d take longer than the next fifteen seconds, and I’m not waiting any longer than that to kiss you again.”

  Marcus’ mouth is dry and his heart is beating a mile a minute. “I…Sebastian, we can’t—”

  “Why not?” Sebastian asks. “We both want it. Or are you gonna keep lying to yourself about that?”